Can't Sleep

...So I figured I may as well blog. I didn't get to share earlier how happy I really am that we are having a girl. Obviously, I would have been happy with a healthy baby of either gender, but I feel particularly blessed to have this one be a little girl. I think I will be able to enjoy this newborn phase a little more than last time, but maybe a lot of second time moms feel that way.

When I had Taylor, I was immediately planning out a pumping schedule and sleep schedule because I only had 6 weeks of being with her before I was going back to work full-time. Needless to say, an already overwhelming and stressful situation became even more so and every moment was one of both joy and heartache, knowing my days with her would soon be limited to only the weekends. As each week passed, I dreaded the day I would have to leave her (in good hands of course, thanks to her grandmas).

My first day back at work, I remember how distracted I was, calling my mom and checking my email constantly for updates on my baby girl. I'll admit, at first it was a little nice to be able to shower at a normal hour and not feel like I was nursing every 5 minutes, but I would have gladly traded that to be home with Taylor again. Not to mention, excusing myself from the office every couple of hours to lock myself away and pump was often awkward and uncomfortable.

When I was home with Taylor in the evenings, I sometimes felt guilty because I was so tired from work, I felt like I didn't have enough energy for her. Those nights when she was teething or sick and I'd only get 2 hours of sleep before putting in a full day at work (where being a supervisor required me to be "on" all the time) were especially hard. I really couldn't give 100% to home and family or to my job, so neither was getting done to the capacity that it should have been, making neither as fulfilling as it could have been. It felt like I could never quite keep up with both, and Taylor was always the more important of the two, even though I felt like she often got the tired, run down version of me.

I remember how blessed I felt though, that we had so much support and help from family members. As silly as it sounds, I was also so grateful that Blake was present the first time Taylor crawled, and I witnessed Taylor's first steps. In fact, I started crying after she took her first steps...I was just so happy that she had saved those first steps for a time when I was home from work.

I was able to quit my job when Taylor was 18 months old and I haven't missed it at all since. I have found full-time motherhood to be challenging and much, much more rewarding than working out of the home ever was. There are plenty of years left for me to work, but family life comes and goes so quickly...some stages of life are just too precious to miss.

Thus, my reason for really wanting a little girl is that I want a do-over, a chance to be a full-time mommy to my baby girl, and in a way, I'm getting that. I can't wait to savor every moment of babyhood that I missed with Taylor. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, gender of the baby doesn't matter that much, but for me, this felt like a tender mercy from the Lord, allowing me a second chance at raising a baby girl.